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fandomhigh_ooc2007-03-11 12:29 am
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Spotlight on Fandom: Star Wars
A long time ago in a galaxy, far, far away…
Oh, come on. That was a gimme.
Thirty years ago this summer, George Lucas – a flannel-wearing madman who bears more and more of a resemblance to Jabba the Hutt with every passing year – came up with an idea. The concept – a young man who dreams of something better than his boring life in a backwater discovers that he has untapped power, then goes on an adventure to save the world – has been told and retold since storytelling began. But Lucas set it in space and added the most kick-ass special effects the world had ever seen on the big screen up until that point.
What he created was the first blockbuster and a phenomenon that has permeated popular culture and can be blamed for an entire generation of men thinking they are terribly original when they reply “I know” to a declaration of “I love you.” Star Wars: A New Hope spawned two movie sequels, three movie prequels, a radio adaption, dozens of computer and video games, scores of books, hundreds of graphic novels, a movement to make “the Force” an actual religion, classrooms full of children named Luke and Leia, thousands of tiny Jedi each Halloween, and every possible form of merchandizing known to mankind (including thousands of poseable Ewan McGregor Obi-Wan Kenobi action figures, which is made of awesome).
In a fandom that spans 30 years and has given names and backstories to every single character in all of the movies (one published guide has an entry for the “look, sir, droids!” Stormtrooper. I wish I were kidding), coming up with a coherent summary is going to be…interesting.
May the Force be with me.
Prequel cast of characters (in order of appereance)
Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson): Qui-Gon is a Jedi Master with rockin’ hair and a fast-and-loose approach to the rules and regulations that have begun to stifle the Jedi Order after 10,000 years. He could have been a member of the 12-member Jedi Council but he has a habit of telling them when he thinks they have their heads up their asses, and in terms just about that blunt. He is awesome and is made more awesome by being the teacher of…
Obi-Wan “Ben” Kenobi (Ewan McGregor, Alec Guinness): Obi-Wan, when we first meet him, is a Padawan learner with possibly the stupidest hair in SW canon, and with Padmé around, that is saying something. He will eventually grow into the epitome of Jedi: calm under pressure with a sly sense of humor and almost endless patience. Which, given the two Skywalkers he will eventually train, is a bit of a necessity. Obi-Wan goes from peevish Padawan to blue ghosty exposition fairy over the course of the six movies, and he does it with style. He kicks all kinds of ass with a lightsaber but vastly prefers words over violence. He and Qui-Gon have an incredibly slashy relationship, but he also has sparks with Padmé and Anakin. This could just be because Ewan McGregor is hot like a hot thing, but the fans are grateful regardless.
Jar-Jar Binks (Ahmed Best) The most annoying fictional character in the history of history. He consistently beats out Scrappy Doo and Barney in polls on this sort of thing. A Gungan from the planet Naboo, his entire reason for being seems to be to screw up and be annoying. Hated by everyone over the age of 6, fans have gone so far as to edit him completely out of versions of Episode I floating around on the internet.
Padmé Naberrie Amidala (Natalie Portman) Elected queen of Naboo at 14 (Elected. Queen. 14. Just go with it.), she will eventually become a Galactic Senator, the secret wife of Anakin Skywalker and mother to Luke and Leia. Fiesty and smart, loyal and brave, she has some of the goofiest hair and dresses the big screen has ever seen and I want them. She also falls in love in one of the least compelling love stories ever written, but that’s not her fault.
R2-D2 (Kenny Baker, poor guy): A Nubian astromech droid, he’s introduced in the first movie and sticks around for the next five. Apparently 40-year-old computer technology still works in a galaxy far, far away. Designed to fix starships, Artoo can also hack into security systems and is generally a jack-of-all trades. His joys include mocking everything around him, albeit not in English.
Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd, Hayden Christensen): Our hero, anti-hero, tragically flawed whiny-ass punk type. George Lucas swears up and down (now…in the 1980s not so much) that his original intention was to tell the story of the fall and rise of Anakin Skywalker. When we first meet Anakin, he is a nine-year-old slave on Tatooine (please note that while the Extended Universe has named approximate 1 kazillion different planets, the movies stick to about five). He is an incredible pilot, though—insanely good—which leads our intrepid Jedi Qui-Gon Jinn to believe that Anakin is the Chosen One spoken of in prophecy to bring balance to the Force. Qui-Gon probably didn’t think that “leaving two on each side of the Force” was exactly what the prophecy was talking about. Whoops.
Shmi Skywalker (Pernilla August): Anakin’s mother who is also a slave on Tatooine. She dies a brutal death that her son has a vision of and then can’t prevent, leading him to take a big ol’ jump towards the Dark Side. Oops.
C-3PO (Anthony Daniels): A protocol droid that Anakin built in his spare time (at nine. Just go with it.), Threepio spends the next five movies whining. He’s still better than Jar-Jar. Because Jar-Jar is pure evil. Speaking of evil…
Darth Maul (Ray Park): Sith Lord with awesome makeup and a cool dual-bladed red lightsaber. He gets chopped in half by Obi-Wan after skewering Qui-Gon to prove that Sith Lords Aren’t To Be Messed With.
Count Dooku (Christopher Lee): A great Jedi before becoming one of the very few Jedi ever to leave the Order for reasons of personal conscience (called the Lost Twenty and one of the more WTFy pieces of canon. Ten thousand years of existence. Twenty quitters. Seriously?). Turns out “reasons of personal conscience” meant “interest in the Dark Side”. He becomes Sidious’s apprentice after Maul bites the big one, and doesn’t realize until Anakin whacks his head off with his own lightsaber that he was merely a place holder. Bye-bye, Dooku.
Senator/Chancellor/Emperor Palpatine (Darth Sidious) (Ian McDiarmid): Open, smiling, happy politician from Naboo. Therefore, clearly evil. A Lord of the Sith and the embodiment of all things evil and creepy, he masterminds the downfall of civilization from a building within eyesight of the Jedi Temple, while having meetings with Jedi and smiling the entire time. He finally exterminates them all through an order he’d hardwired into the clone warriors they were commanding in the war he’d begun, claiming that they were plotting against him. The Senate – in a fit of blinding stupidity that would only happen in fiction, we swear -- elects him Emperor and he reigns over the galaxy with an iron fist, terrible teeth and an evil cackle.
Yoda (Frank Oz): Jedi Master who’s been sitting on the Jedi Council just this side of forever. Like this, he speaks, and hard to stop it becomes once you have started, hmmm? He’s not a big Anakin fan right from the start, which proves to be pretty on target later down the line.
Mace Windu (Samuel L. Jackson): Do I even need to explain what Mace Windu is like? He’s the Jedi Master with the purple lightsaber that says “badass mother fucker” on the hilt.
Is your head spinning yet? Good. You don’t want it working too hard as I explain the prequels.
Prequel plots, yay (Or I recap ‘em so you don’t have to watch ‘em)!
In Episode I we begin with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan being dispatched to Naboo to try to end a boring planetary blockade that has been set up by The Trade Federation who I forgot to mention before. They negotiate by killin’ a bunch of droids, then escaping down to the planet’s surface where they run into (literally) Jar-Jar, the most annoying character ever. There are wacky hijinks and then the three of them meet up with Queen Amidala and her handmaidens of plottiness. The Jedi convince the queen to come with them to Coruscant to plead her case before the Senate, where she is sure that Totally Evil Senator Palpatine will help her and hasn’t at all been using his home planet as a giant pawn. They race through the blockade, but their ship ends up getting shot at, meaning they need to stop for repairs at the nearest plot-convenient planet.
Namely Tatooine. There Qui-Gon leaves Obi-Wan with the ship and takes one of the queen’s handmaidens, Padmé (not the queen, totally not the queen. In conclusion, queen) and Jar-Jar, the most annoying character ever, to go negotiate for parts. They meet Watto, Anakin’s owner, who is immune to the vaunted Jedi Mind Whammy, which will be a problem because he also doesn’t take Republic credits. Anakin, being a generous little nine-year-old slave, volunteers his podracer to enter in the Boonta Eve drag race thingie where they would win enough money to be able to buy the part they need from Watto. Also, he hits on Padmé which is creepy and so we’re moving on.
Qui-Gon is intrigued by the podracing because humans don’t have the reflexes necessary to be podracers and normally end up as canyon wall smears. He begins to wonder if Anakin might have abilities with the Force, so he takes some of Anakin’s blood for Obi-Wan to conduct a scientific test regarding something called midichlorians that makes hardcore SW fans break out in hives. It turns out that Anakin has more of the little buggers than Yoda does, make him potentially the fulfillment o’ prophecy. Qui-Gon is intrigued.
Also, Anakin is a badass little pilot and wins the race to the surprise of no one who has ever seen a movie. Qui-Gon has made a side bet with Watto and so when Anakin wins the race, he’s also won his freedom. But not his mother’s. Woe. Qui-Gon promises that Anakin can become a Jedi despite being too old, and so he says goodbye to his mom and to Threepio, the droid he’s half-finished, and they all head back to the ship when they are attacked for no reason by Darth Maul who just happened to be hanging around Tatooine or something. Qui-Gon knows that it’s a Sith Lord because of the red lightsaber.
They all race back to Coruscant, where the queen (who’s not Padmé. Really) gets told “hahaha, no” to her pleas for assistance and Anakin gets told “hahaha, no” to his quest to become a Jedi. Qui-Gon is not happy when they all leave to head back to Naboo, where there is a slightly pointless battle involving lots of Jar-Jars, Anakin does something implausible and heroic in a starfighter, and everyone finds out that Padmé really was the queen. Huh. Also there is a lightsaber battle between Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon and Darth Maul that kicks 47 kinds of ass, except for the part where Qui-Gon dies.
So Naboo is freed of the blockade, there is a big celebration, Obi-Wan becomes a Jedi Knight and Anakin becomes his Padawan, and Totally Evil Senator Palpatine promises to keep an eye out on Anakin which is creepy and foreshadow-y.
Whew. Or you could just watch the Weird Al version of the plot.
In Episode II, Obi-Wan has ditched the braid-and-ponytail combo in favor of a Jesus beard and flowing locks. Anakin has gotten rid of the bowl cut, sports a permanent sulk and is played by Hayden Christensen. They have been assigned as bodyguards for now-Senator Padmé, who Anakin still has a crush on despite not seeing her for ten years. O…kay. After another attempt on Padmé’s life that involves some kind of weird poisonous bug thing and a cool space-car chase through Coruscant, the Jedi Council decides to have Anakin escort her back to Naboo. Because they are stupid. Meanwhile, Obi-Wan follows up a lead on the weapon that was used that leads him to a planet that was erased from the Jedi Library by an evil Jedi.
Anakin, after bitching non-stop about Obi-Wan (only Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine believes in him, you see), uses a terrible line about sand, then takes Padmé on a picnic and somehow she finds this terribly romantic. But, alas! Jedi aren’t supposed to love, so she turns him down flat while wearing a black corset thing. Shockingly, Anakin gets a mixed message there. He wakes up in the middle of the night with a vision of his mother dying, so he and Padmé blow off the Council’s orders and jet off to Tatooine to save her.
Meanwhile, Obi-Wan has discovered that on the planet that didn’t exist, they have built a clone army for the Jedi. Which the Jedi don’t remember ordering. Given the Senate is debating forming an army to counter the growing power (and kazillion droids) of the Separatist movement, this discovery seems a little glaring, but the Jedi ignore that. The clones all look like Jango Fett, the assassin that was after Padmé, so Obi-Wan tries to kick his ass and ends up following him to another planet where the Separatists, led by former Jedi Dooku, are plotting a plot of plottiness. Obi-Wan, halfway through a transmission to Coruscant, gets captured. Woe.
Anakin and Padmé arrive on Tatooine to find out his mother’s been kidnapped and has been missing for weeks. That’s not good. Anakin, looking kinda scary, goes after her and finds her just before she dies in a cinematically poignant way. Then he takes out his lightsaber and slaughters the entire Tuskan village. He feels really bad about it later. Padmé does not take her ship and leave his ass there. No one knows why. They do get Obi-Wan’s transmission and ignore the Council’s orders some more, going off to rescue Obi-Wan.
Surprising no one, they get captured, too, leading to declarations of mutual love, then wacky hijinks with giant alien creatures in an amphitheater. Just when all hope seems lost for our intrepid heroes, Jedi from Coruscant, led by Mace L. Windu, come to kick ass. They are about to lose to roughly a million droids when Yoda and all the clones in the universe ride in to save them.
Former Jedi Dooku, who no one believes is all that good right now because he tried to kill a bunch o’ Jedi, tries to run away. Obi-Wan and Anakin chase him down, but not before Padmé falls out of the shuttle, drops like a thousand feet and is totally unhurt. We don’t ask. There is another kick-ass lightsaber duel that our boys are losing (Obi-Wan getting a lightsaber through the leg and Anakin getting his right hand chopped off) before Yoda arrives. Turns out Yoda rocks out with a lightsaber, even though he is very wee. Dooku, realizing this, drops most of the ceiling down on Obi-Wan and Anakin and uses that distraction to run away.
He meets up with his boss, Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine and shows that “the plans” were saved: schematics to a Death Star. Oooh. Meanwhile, Jar-Jar, the most annoying character ever, has used the temporary power Padmé left him with before fleeing to Naboo to vote to give the Chancellor practically unlimited wartime powers, therefore making everything that happens in Episode III entirely his fault. Hahaha.
Oh, and Anakin and Padmé get married.
Following along okay?
In Episode III we can tell that Anakin is a Jedi now because of his long, flowing curls. The sulk has become a scowl and he is still bitching non-stop. This is somehow kind of attractive. He and Obi-Wan race to save the kidnapped Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine because they don’t know he’d set up his own kidnapping. They face off against Evil Count Dooku who lasts approximately nine seconds against a pissed off Anakin who channels the dark side and snicks off Dooku’s head with his own lightsaber at the urging of Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine. Then he feels really bad about it. There are more wacky hijinks involving Anakin carrying Obi-Wan around on his back making thousands of fangirls squee, then more lightsaber battles against Gratuitous Plot Droid General Grievous who is only a badass if you’ve seen the Clone Wars cartoon but this summary is ridiculously long already so you can just look that up in your spare time. Blah blah posturing blah blah destruction blah blah Grievous escapes blah giant ship’s gonna crash into Coruscant but we’re only five minutes into the movie so we know Anakin will save the day.
Which he does. He then reunites with his hugely pregnant wife Padmé behind a Pillar of Invisibility or Something because no one notices them making out in plain sight. Whatever. Padmé tells him the big news. Anakin tells her it’s wonderful. Since Jedi aren’t supposed to be married, and they are very definitely not supposed to have children, the news isn’t that wonderful. Anakin wants to tell the Council to bite him. Padmé says that since he’s the public face of all good things related to Jedi – who aren’t exactly hugely popular at the moment given the way the war has been dragging on --, that’s not the greatest plan she’s ever heard of. Anakin sulks.
Because the movie needed more woe and Hayden Christensen without his shirt on, Anakin has a vision of Padmé dying in childbirth. It, not surprisingly, freaks him the hell out. Padmé is not as worried, as women don’t die of childbirth on Coruscant in a society that has figured out space travel. Anakin doesn’t believe her and vows to stop this vision from coming true. Clearly this will bite him in the ass.
He goes to Yoda about his problem and is given the worst advice ever: let the person go. Holding onto people is greedy, he’s told. Anakin thinks this is bullshit. He is the most powerful Jedi ever, surely he can figure out a way to cheat death. But to do that, he needs to be made a Master and be given access to the secret Archives. The Jedi Council says “ahahahaha no.” Anakin sulks some more.
Meanwhile, the tensions between the Jedi Council and Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine are coming to a head. The Jedi had traced the Sith Lord to Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine’s inner circle, even though Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine continues to insist that the Sith are something that the Jedi have made up in order to wrestle power from him. Mace L. Windu isn’t buying that argument at all, especially given that Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine has used the war as an excuse to stay in office way past his term. Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine insists that the war won’t be over until General Grievous is caught. The Jedi Council says “deal omg” and puts all of its efforts into finding Grievous. Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine cackles because the Jedi are stupid.
Anakin goes to see his very good friend Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine to bitch about how the Council secretly hates him. Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine gives him all kinds of sympathy, then tells him that it is Anakin’s lucky day and he has just been made the Totally Evil Chancellor’s Special Envoy to the Council. Anakin is thrilled. The Council is less so, and tells Anakin that while he might sit on the Council, he has not been granted the rank of Master and PS they’d like him to spy on his old mentor. This pisses him the hell off.
Padmé is also not entirely excited about the changes she’s seeing in her husband and encourages him to talk to Obi-Wan about everything. Anakin blows her off, then races away to see Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine who hints that the Jedi might not know how to cheat death but a friend of a friend of his blah blah vague dark side-cakes might. Anakin is stupid and listens. Oh, and Palpatine’s contacts have told him where General Grievous is and if the Council doesn’t send Anakin it must be because they hate him. Anakin runs to tell the Council and they decide to send Obi-Wan—alone—to deal with Grievous. Well, with some Clonetroopers of plottiness. Anakin, as you might have guessed, is not at all happy. There is a touching goodbye scene that doesn’t make me sniffle every time, really, and Obi-Wan is off to Some Random Planet where he finds out that General Grievous is there and has four arms and all of them have lightsabers. There is a lightsaber duel and it is awesome.
But before the duel, Obi-Wan was a good Jedi and told the Council what he was doing and Mace L. Windu instructed Anakin to go tell Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine that Grievous was about to be smokin’ droid parts and his reign would end and how’d he like them apples? Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine then tells Anakin that he is the Sith Lord they’ve been looking for the past twenty years and what a shame it is because now he won’t tell Anakin how to save his wife. Anakin freaks the hell out and races off to tell the Council everything, and is told to wait in the Council chamber while justice is served. Anakin sits there and sad music plays as he realizes he’s just sentenced his wife to death.
He decides to disobey Mace L. Windu’s orders, to the surprise of no one who’s ever met him and runs over to the Chancellor’s office where Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine has gone all apeshit on the Jedi Masters who’d accompanied Mace L. Windu with the red lightsaber he’d hidden in his throne. When Anakin arrives there is Dark Side Force lightning up against the badass-itude of Mace L. Windu and they are both fighting on a strategically placed window ledge. Mace L. Windu declares that Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine is too dangerous to be left alive and Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine is whimpering for Anakin to save him and Anakin needs the information Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine says he has and doesn’t want justice to be meted out with a lightsaber and so when Mace L. Windu moves in for the final strike Anakin blocks him with his own lightsaber and Mace L. Windu falls out the window and dies and now you’ve done it, Anakin.
Then Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine gets up with his new scary face due to too much dark side channeling and tells Anakin to kneel and become a Lord of the Sith and everyone in the audience goes “WTF, George Lucas, WTF?!” Then he tells the newly christened Darth Vader to go kill everyone in the Temple and Anakin does it and everyone in the audience goes “WTF, Anakin, WTF?!” except for the part where they are crying as he mows down adorable little Younglings.
Meanwhile, Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine is contacting the clone commanders and initiating Order 66, which has programmed the clones to kill all the Jedi everywhere and it is horrifically depressing.
Padmé is out on her balcony as smoke rises from the Jedi Temple and she is in tears because she doesn’t know what’s happening but it has to be bad because things are on fire and Anakin’s over there and she thinks he’s dead instead of being the one who’s smiting everyone like a giant evil dumbass. He comes back and there is clinging and then he says he has to go on a special mission for Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine that will bring an end to the war. Namely go and kill the rest of the Separatist movement. He leaves and Padmé bawls. I can’t blame her.
Obi-Wan has remained miraculously unkilled, though Grievous is smoking droid parts as advertised. Obi-Wan sneaks past the Jedi-killin’ clones and makes his way back towards Coruscant only to run into Yoda (who was off-planet on Kashyyyk because fans think Wookiees are cool) and Bail Organa (who was hoping to pick up Jedi before they get killinated and so it’s not a complete surprise when he gets Leia at the end of the movie). There is a signal beam telling all the Jedi to return to the Temple but that’s so they can get killed so it needs to get turned off. Bail tells the Jedi that Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine told the Senate he was the victim of a Jedi assassination plot and the Senate, which has the collective intelligence of a kumquat, believed him. Then they elected him Emperor.
Obi-Wan and Yoda arrive in the Temple and realize that not all of the victims were killed by Clone trooper blasters. As Obi-Wan changes the signal, Yoda finds the incriminating piece of hologram footage showing Anakin becoming a Sith. Obi-Wan doesn’t puke all over the floor, but he looks pretty tempted. They decide to split up: Yoda will take down Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine and Obi-Wan will have to kill his best friend. He is not happy with that option.
Being so much smarter than you, Obi-Wan goes to see Padmé to find out where Anakin has gone. She lies to him badly about not knowing, and Obi-Wan figures out that the baby is Anakin’s because he is not completely blind. Then he hides in Padmé’s ship when she goes off to find Anakin.
Anakin is on the strategically volcanic planet of Mustafar where he has killed all of the remaining members of the Separatist movement and now has glowing yellow eyes to show how evil he is. He is shocked to see Padmé arrive and tries to convince her that killing children was just part of his brilliant plan to save her. Oh, and also to rule the galaxy. Padmé, for once, thinks he’s batshit.
Then Obi-Wan exits the ship and throws off his cloak all dramatic-like and Anakin is pissed and tries to Force-choke his wife to death and man is Obi-Wan not okay with that. They circle each other and Obi-Wan’s all “I will stop you” and Anakin’s all “you will try” and then there is the single coolest lightsaber duel ever put on film. Ever. Oh, Yoda is also getting his ass kicked by Totally Evil Emperor Palpatine but that’s not as interesting.
So Anakin is doing his best to kill Obi-Wan and Obi-Wan is trying to stop that from happening and Anakin is finally closing in on Obi-Wan, but Obi-Wan has the high ground and is all “don’t do it” and Anakin’s all “raaaa!” and then Obi-Wan cuts off his best friend’s arms and legs. And Anakin is limbless and smoking as the lava climbs up his body and it is so, so disturbing. Obi-Wan is in tears and gives the single saddest speech ever and if you’re not crying I don’t want to know you and then Obi-Wan takes Anakin's lightsaber, leaves Anakin’s ass there for the Emperor to pick up and goes to deal with Padmé.
So Padmé’s Force-choking had put her into premature labor or something and so she’s screaming out in pain in one medclinic giving birth to twins and Anakin is screaming out in pain in another medclinic being stuck into his iconic suit. Then Padmé dies of woe, or plot convenience or something and it puts all the SW fans into frothy rage. And Luke goes with Obi-Wan and Leia goes with Bail and we end the movie with Vader looking out at a Death Star being built and wow is this galaxy in trouble.
…and this is why I should never agree to summarize a fandom again. Or you could just go and watched the Reduced Shakespeare Company perform the prequels and get basically the same deal.
So those were the prequels, which came second, based off of the original trilogy, which I’m getting to now.
Even more cast of characters:
Okay, you remember Yoda, Obi-Wan Kenobi (now going by Ben and cultivating quite the reputation as an insane desert hermit), Artoo and Threepio, Totally Evil Emperor Palpatine and Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader. We have a couple more big characters to introduce. And if you ask me question about Wedge or Porkins or That Gamorrean Guard Third From the Right I will cut you.
Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill): Typical blond-haired bumpkin dreaming of life beyond being a farmer on a desert planet (Tatooine, naturally) trying to pull water out of the sky. You really can’t blame him. One hell of a pilot, he whines like it’s his job. He’s also the only hope of the now-exterminated Jedi Order. But he doesn’t know that.
Leia Organa (Carrie Fisher): Princess from Alderaan. Imperial Senator. Totally, totally awesome. Got most of the cool Skywalker-Naberrie genes and left the unflattering ones for her brother. Who she doesn’t know about for a while, but details. An entire male generation’s obsession with gold bikinis can be traced directly to her.
Han Solo (Harrison Ford): Smuggler, scoundrel, gambler with a heart of gold from Corellia. He was hired by Obi-Wan to take him and Luke to Alderaan and stuck around with the Rebels forthe girl the money. Most girls who grew up when the movies came out had a crush on Han Solo. It’s just how he rolls. Scathing, sarcastic and full of himself, he’ll eventually do the right thing.
Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew): Wookiee co-pilot for Han. He speaks in yells and grunts, is seven feet tall and will jack your ass up if you piss him off.
Jabba the Hutt: Enormous slug who also happens to be a gangster. Enjoys eating live bugs, watching dancing girls and trying to collect the money Han owes him.
Lando Calrissian (Billy Dee Williams): Old friend/rival of Han’s. He owns a conveniently located gas mine at a plot-important time. He and Han have a long–standing debate over who owes who for the Millennium Falcon, the fastest hunk-of-junk in the galaxy.
The world’s fastest summaries of the original trilogy
Even if you’ve never seen the movies, they are so engrained into pop culture that you probably felt like you have. Ever called anyone a “scruffy-looking nerf-herder?” Had “a bad feeling about this?” Told someone “there is no try?”
Okay, maybe that’s just me.
In Episode IV, Princess Leia’s ship is zipping past Tatooine on its way home to Alderaan when it is intercepted by Darth Vader, who knows Leia has the schematics to the Death Star. She gets captured, but two droids (Artoo and Threepio), launch themselves into an escape pod and get bought by Luke’s crabby uncle. Artoo is looking for Obi-Wan, the crazy desert hermit to give him the plans Leia uploaded into his little droid-y self. Luke chases the droid down and Obi-Wan drags him (and the droids) along on a damned fool idealistic crusade, a decision made a lot easier when Luke discovers his aunt and uncle are totally dead now, thanks to the Empire.
So Luke, Obi-Wan and the droids head into Mos Eisley, the most wretched hive of scum and villain and hire Han, Chewbacca and the Millennium Falcon to take them to Alderaan to return the files. Also, Han totally shot first. I DON'T CARE WHAT THE REMAKES SAY.
Alderaan, though, is toast because Darth Vader and Grand Moff Tarkin blew it up to make Leia talk. It didn't work, so they throw her back into her cell to execute her.
Fortunately for our story, the Death Star hasn't moved out of the system holding the rubble formally known as Alderaan when Our Heroes arrive. There are wacky hijinks and blah blah prisoner impersonation blah blah trashcompactor blah blah Jedi? I see no Jedi and the tractor beam is down and everyone's ready to escape except then Darth Vader comes around the corner and he and Obi-Wan have a lightsaber battle that was rockin' for its time but now just looks kind of slow. And to prove again that Vader is not to be messed with, he kills Obi-Wan. He's still a bit bitter about Episode III, you see.
So Luke freaks out and shoots at things, but he finally gets onto the ship and they head out for the Not So Secret Rebel Outpost on Yavin. The Empire, of course, has put a tractor beam on their ship and is following along to blow them all up, mwahaha. But there wouldn't be two other movies if that happened, so of course Luke saves the day by shooting a laser down a convenient hole in the Death Star that blows the whole thing up. It helps that Han shows up at the last minute to stop Vader from killing Luke. Vader, of course, survives because it wouldn't be much fun without him, would it?
And there is much rejoicing.
In Episode V, we begin with much less rejoicing because everyone is stuck on Hoth which is a planet that is cold as crap, yo. And Luke is out in the cold checking for the Empire but he gets attacked by a totally realistic-looking polar bear thing and gets dragged off to a cave. As he is the hero, that's bad. He hangs upside-down and learns to use the Force because all of the blood is rushing to his head and mind-moves his lightsaber over to his hand and whomps off the thing's arm off and then runs out into the cold to die because he's a Skywalker and they're not so big on planning. Not-as-dead-as-we-thought!Obi-Wan shows up in his blue ghosty glory to tell Luke to go learn from Yoda. Then Luke passes out.
Fortunately Han has one more savin' Luke's ass in him (not dirty. Probably. Depending on who's fanfic you're reading), and goes out into the cold to find his friend before he plans to run away instead of paying off the money he owes Jabba the Hutt. This will be important later. Of course, they survive, just in time for the Empire to discover their secret location.
Han and Leia go one way, Luke goes another. Han and Leia have wacky hijinks because the Millennium Falcon is a piece of crap with personality and its hyperdrive doesn't work. Luke goes to Dagobah to meet Yoda, thinks he's going to be some six-foot badass of a warrior. You know, Qui-Gon. He meets a three foot Muppet who takes great joy in messing with him.
Meanwhile Darth Vader is not pleased that the Rebels got away and makes this known by killing most of the captains in charge of capturing them. Then we find out that the Emperor has plans for Luke. The plot, it does thicken.
Leia and Han make it to Bespin, a gas mining planet owned by Han's scoundrel friend Lando. But oh noes! Vader has gotten there first and captures them and tortures them to use them as bait to bring Luke out of hiding. Oh, and he drops Han into carbonite just to see if it'll work. Also because he's evil.
And it totally works, despite Yoda and Blue!Ghosty!Obi-Wan telling him to think before running off. Luke races off and Obi-Wan sighs "that boy is our last hope," and Yoda reminds him that "no, there is another" which Obi-Wan should know but George Lucas has never met Our Good Friend Continuity so we're moving on.
Luke goes to Bespin and tracks down Darth Vader which isn't hard because it's trap, and they have a lightsaber duel. And Luke, since he's only had about three seconds of training is getting his butt kicked and Vader is throwing things at him and cuts of his hand and then tells Luke he's his father because Anakin Skywalker has the worst timing ever.
And Luke screams "NOOOOOOOO" as you would and jumps down a giant hole, as you should, and then gets rescued by Leia because dying that stupidly would suck.
Which brings us to Episode VI, which naturally begins with the rescue of Carbonite!Han on Tatooine from Jabba the Hutt. There is bikini wearing and Sarlaac pitting and general zaniness and Luke goes to Dagobah and Han and Leia go to meet up with the rest of the fleet. Yoda dies, woe, but not before confirming that Vader is really Luke's father and leaving a cryptic message about there being another Skywalker. Luke is not happy to have to kill him now and asks ghosty blue Obi-Wan if there's another way out. Obi-Wan mentions the whole sister thing.
Luke is crabby, then meets up with the rest of the cast to discover there's another Death Star and that the Emperor will be on board for prime killing him opportunity. No one thinks this might be a trap. Then there's speeder-bike chases and Han on a spit and "Vader's my father" and "don't go!" and "you've failed, your Highness" and you've really never seen this movie? What's wrong with you?
Vader, of course, saves his son before he becomes crispy fried and dead Luke and then he dies and sad music plays and the Rebels win, yay!
Just watch the Reduced Shakespeare Version if your head's spinning.
But what about the Extended Universe?
You're trying to kill me, aren't you?
There are hundreds of storylines ranging across approximately 12,000 years of history. I wish I were kidding.
They range from the extremely good (Rogue and Wraith Squadron books, the original Thrawn trilogy), to storylines I find harder to swallow (Leia would name a son Anakin? Really?) to parts I absolutely refuse to believe (Chewbacca being killed by a falling moon, Luke falling in love with a the ghost of a Jedi trapped in a computer). The banthabell I totally made up, but if it's canon that a group of aliens worship a magic 8 ball, by God I can bring the crack, too.
I must know more!
The original versions of the original trilogy are out on DVD, as are the special editions with boosted up special effects and controversial changes to some storylines. The prequels are also available.
Seriously, ya'll. Star Wars. You can find it if you try :)
Questions? Comments? Cracks about my complete lack of sanity?
Oh, come on. That was a gimme.
Thirty years ago this summer, George Lucas – a flannel-wearing madman who bears more and more of a resemblance to Jabba the Hutt with every passing year – came up with an idea. The concept – a young man who dreams of something better than his boring life in a backwater discovers that he has untapped power, then goes on an adventure to save the world – has been told and retold since storytelling began. But Lucas set it in space and added the most kick-ass special effects the world had ever seen on the big screen up until that point.
What he created was the first blockbuster and a phenomenon that has permeated popular culture and can be blamed for an entire generation of men thinking they are terribly original when they reply “I know” to a declaration of “I love you.” Star Wars: A New Hope spawned two movie sequels, three movie prequels, a radio adaption, dozens of computer and video games, scores of books, hundreds of graphic novels, a movement to make “the Force” an actual religion, classrooms full of children named Luke and Leia, thousands of tiny Jedi each Halloween, and every possible form of merchandizing known to mankind (including thousands of poseable Ewan McGregor Obi-Wan Kenobi action figures, which is made of awesome).
In a fandom that spans 30 years and has given names and backstories to every single character in all of the movies (one published guide has an entry for the “look, sir, droids!” Stormtrooper. I wish I were kidding), coming up with a coherent summary is going to be…interesting.
May the Force be with me.
Prequel cast of characters (in order of appereance)
Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson): Qui-Gon is a Jedi Master with rockin’ hair and a fast-and-loose approach to the rules and regulations that have begun to stifle the Jedi Order after 10,000 years. He could have been a member of the 12-member Jedi Council but he has a habit of telling them when he thinks they have their heads up their asses, and in terms just about that blunt. He is awesome and is made more awesome by being the teacher of…
Obi-Wan “Ben” Kenobi (Ewan McGregor, Alec Guinness): Obi-Wan, when we first meet him, is a Padawan learner with possibly the stupidest hair in SW canon, and with Padmé around, that is saying something. He will eventually grow into the epitome of Jedi: calm under pressure with a sly sense of humor and almost endless patience. Which, given the two Skywalkers he will eventually train, is a bit of a necessity. Obi-Wan goes from peevish Padawan to blue ghosty exposition fairy over the course of the six movies, and he does it with style. He kicks all kinds of ass with a lightsaber but vastly prefers words over violence. He and Qui-Gon have an incredibly slashy relationship, but he also has sparks with Padmé and Anakin. This could just be because Ewan McGregor is hot like a hot thing, but the fans are grateful regardless.
Jar-Jar Binks (Ahmed Best) The most annoying fictional character in the history of history. He consistently beats out Scrappy Doo and Barney in polls on this sort of thing. A Gungan from the planet Naboo, his entire reason for being seems to be to screw up and be annoying. Hated by everyone over the age of 6, fans have gone so far as to edit him completely out of versions of Episode I floating around on the internet.
Padmé Naberrie Amidala (Natalie Portman) Elected queen of Naboo at 14 (Elected. Queen. 14. Just go with it.), she will eventually become a Galactic Senator, the secret wife of Anakin Skywalker and mother to Luke and Leia. Fiesty and smart, loyal and brave, she has some of the goofiest hair and dresses the big screen has ever seen and I want them. She also falls in love in one of the least compelling love stories ever written, but that’s not her fault.
R2-D2 (Kenny Baker, poor guy): A Nubian astromech droid, he’s introduced in the first movie and sticks around for the next five. Apparently 40-year-old computer technology still works in a galaxy far, far away. Designed to fix starships, Artoo can also hack into security systems and is generally a jack-of-all trades. His joys include mocking everything around him, albeit not in English.
Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd, Hayden Christensen): Our hero, anti-hero, tragically flawed whiny-ass punk type. George Lucas swears up and down (now…in the 1980s not so much) that his original intention was to tell the story of the fall and rise of Anakin Skywalker. When we first meet Anakin, he is a nine-year-old slave on Tatooine (please note that while the Extended Universe has named approximate 1 kazillion different planets, the movies stick to about five). He is an incredible pilot, though—insanely good—which leads our intrepid Jedi Qui-Gon Jinn to believe that Anakin is the Chosen One spoken of in prophecy to bring balance to the Force. Qui-Gon probably didn’t think that “leaving two on each side of the Force” was exactly what the prophecy was talking about. Whoops.
Shmi Skywalker (Pernilla August): Anakin’s mother who is also a slave on Tatooine. She dies a brutal death that her son has a vision of and then can’t prevent, leading him to take a big ol’ jump towards the Dark Side. Oops.
C-3PO (Anthony Daniels): A protocol droid that Anakin built in his spare time (at nine. Just go with it.), Threepio spends the next five movies whining. He’s still better than Jar-Jar. Because Jar-Jar is pure evil. Speaking of evil…
Darth Maul (Ray Park): Sith Lord with awesome makeup and a cool dual-bladed red lightsaber. He gets chopped in half by Obi-Wan after skewering Qui-Gon to prove that Sith Lords Aren’t To Be Messed With.
Count Dooku (Christopher Lee): A great Jedi before becoming one of the very few Jedi ever to leave the Order for reasons of personal conscience (called the Lost Twenty and one of the more WTFy pieces of canon. Ten thousand years of existence. Twenty quitters. Seriously?). Turns out “reasons of personal conscience” meant “interest in the Dark Side”. He becomes Sidious’s apprentice after Maul bites the big one, and doesn’t realize until Anakin whacks his head off with his own lightsaber that he was merely a place holder. Bye-bye, Dooku.
Senator/Chancellor/Emperor Palpatine (Darth Sidious) (Ian McDiarmid): Open, smiling, happy politician from Naboo. Therefore, clearly evil. A Lord of the Sith and the embodiment of all things evil and creepy, he masterminds the downfall of civilization from a building within eyesight of the Jedi Temple, while having meetings with Jedi and smiling the entire time. He finally exterminates them all through an order he’d hardwired into the clone warriors they were commanding in the war he’d begun, claiming that they were plotting against him. The Senate – in a fit of blinding stupidity that would only happen in fiction, we swear -- elects him Emperor and he reigns over the galaxy with an iron fist, terrible teeth and an evil cackle.
Yoda (Frank Oz): Jedi Master who’s been sitting on the Jedi Council just this side of forever. Like this, he speaks, and hard to stop it becomes once you have started, hmmm? He’s not a big Anakin fan right from the start, which proves to be pretty on target later down the line.
Mace Windu (Samuel L. Jackson): Do I even need to explain what Mace Windu is like? He’s the Jedi Master with the purple lightsaber that says “badass mother fucker” on the hilt.
Is your head spinning yet? Good. You don’t want it working too hard as I explain the prequels.
Prequel plots, yay (Or I recap ‘em so you don’t have to watch ‘em)!
In Episode I we begin with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan being dispatched to Naboo to try to end a boring planetary blockade that has been set up by The Trade Federation who I forgot to mention before. They negotiate by killin’ a bunch of droids, then escaping down to the planet’s surface where they run into (literally) Jar-Jar, the most annoying character ever. There are wacky hijinks and then the three of them meet up with Queen Amidala and her handmaidens of plottiness. The Jedi convince the queen to come with them to Coruscant to plead her case before the Senate, where she is sure that Totally Evil Senator Palpatine will help her and hasn’t at all been using his home planet as a giant pawn. They race through the blockade, but their ship ends up getting shot at, meaning they need to stop for repairs at the nearest plot-convenient planet.
Namely Tatooine. There Qui-Gon leaves Obi-Wan with the ship and takes one of the queen’s handmaidens, Padmé (not the queen, totally not the queen. In conclusion, queen) and Jar-Jar, the most annoying character ever, to go negotiate for parts. They meet Watto, Anakin’s owner, who is immune to the vaunted Jedi Mind Whammy, which will be a problem because he also doesn’t take Republic credits. Anakin, being a generous little nine-year-old slave, volunteers his podracer to enter in the Boonta Eve drag race thingie where they would win enough money to be able to buy the part they need from Watto. Also, he hits on Padmé which is creepy and so we’re moving on.
Qui-Gon is intrigued by the podracing because humans don’t have the reflexes necessary to be podracers and normally end up as canyon wall smears. He begins to wonder if Anakin might have abilities with the Force, so he takes some of Anakin’s blood for Obi-Wan to conduct a scientific test regarding something called midichlorians that makes hardcore SW fans break out in hives. It turns out that Anakin has more of the little buggers than Yoda does, make him potentially the fulfillment o’ prophecy. Qui-Gon is intrigued.
Also, Anakin is a badass little pilot and wins the race to the surprise of no one who has ever seen a movie. Qui-Gon has made a side bet with Watto and so when Anakin wins the race, he’s also won his freedom. But not his mother’s. Woe. Qui-Gon promises that Anakin can become a Jedi despite being too old, and so he says goodbye to his mom and to Threepio, the droid he’s half-finished, and they all head back to the ship when they are attacked for no reason by Darth Maul who just happened to be hanging around Tatooine or something. Qui-Gon knows that it’s a Sith Lord because of the red lightsaber.
They all race back to Coruscant, where the queen (who’s not Padmé. Really) gets told “hahaha, no” to her pleas for assistance and Anakin gets told “hahaha, no” to his quest to become a Jedi. Qui-Gon is not happy when they all leave to head back to Naboo, where there is a slightly pointless battle involving lots of Jar-Jars, Anakin does something implausible and heroic in a starfighter, and everyone finds out that Padmé really was the queen. Huh. Also there is a lightsaber battle between Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon and Darth Maul that kicks 47 kinds of ass, except for the part where Qui-Gon dies.
So Naboo is freed of the blockade, there is a big celebration, Obi-Wan becomes a Jedi Knight and Anakin becomes his Padawan, and Totally Evil Senator Palpatine promises to keep an eye out on Anakin which is creepy and foreshadow-y.
Whew. Or you could just watch the Weird Al version of the plot.
In Episode II, Obi-Wan has ditched the braid-and-ponytail combo in favor of a Jesus beard and flowing locks. Anakin has gotten rid of the bowl cut, sports a permanent sulk and is played by Hayden Christensen. They have been assigned as bodyguards for now-Senator Padmé, who Anakin still has a crush on despite not seeing her for ten years. O…kay. After another attempt on Padmé’s life that involves some kind of weird poisonous bug thing and a cool space-car chase through Coruscant, the Jedi Council decides to have Anakin escort her back to Naboo. Because they are stupid. Meanwhile, Obi-Wan follows up a lead on the weapon that was used that leads him to a planet that was erased from the Jedi Library by an evil Jedi.
Anakin, after bitching non-stop about Obi-Wan (only Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine believes in him, you see), uses a terrible line about sand, then takes Padmé on a picnic and somehow she finds this terribly romantic. But, alas! Jedi aren’t supposed to love, so she turns him down flat while wearing a black corset thing. Shockingly, Anakin gets a mixed message there. He wakes up in the middle of the night with a vision of his mother dying, so he and Padmé blow off the Council’s orders and jet off to Tatooine to save her.
Meanwhile, Obi-Wan has discovered that on the planet that didn’t exist, they have built a clone army for the Jedi. Which the Jedi don’t remember ordering. Given the Senate is debating forming an army to counter the growing power (and kazillion droids) of the Separatist movement, this discovery seems a little glaring, but the Jedi ignore that. The clones all look like Jango Fett, the assassin that was after Padmé, so Obi-Wan tries to kick his ass and ends up following him to another planet where the Separatists, led by former Jedi Dooku, are plotting a plot of plottiness. Obi-Wan, halfway through a transmission to Coruscant, gets captured. Woe.
Anakin and Padmé arrive on Tatooine to find out his mother’s been kidnapped and has been missing for weeks. That’s not good. Anakin, looking kinda scary, goes after her and finds her just before she dies in a cinematically poignant way. Then he takes out his lightsaber and slaughters the entire Tuskan village. He feels really bad about it later. Padmé does not take her ship and leave his ass there. No one knows why. They do get Obi-Wan’s transmission and ignore the Council’s orders some more, going off to rescue Obi-Wan.
Surprising no one, they get captured, too, leading to declarations of mutual love, then wacky hijinks with giant alien creatures in an amphitheater. Just when all hope seems lost for our intrepid heroes, Jedi from Coruscant, led by Mace L. Windu, come to kick ass. They are about to lose to roughly a million droids when Yoda and all the clones in the universe ride in to save them.
Former Jedi Dooku, who no one believes is all that good right now because he tried to kill a bunch o’ Jedi, tries to run away. Obi-Wan and Anakin chase him down, but not before Padmé falls out of the shuttle, drops like a thousand feet and is totally unhurt. We don’t ask. There is another kick-ass lightsaber duel that our boys are losing (Obi-Wan getting a lightsaber through the leg and Anakin getting his right hand chopped off) before Yoda arrives. Turns out Yoda rocks out with a lightsaber, even though he is very wee. Dooku, realizing this, drops most of the ceiling down on Obi-Wan and Anakin and uses that distraction to run away.
He meets up with his boss, Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine and shows that “the plans” were saved: schematics to a Death Star. Oooh. Meanwhile, Jar-Jar, the most annoying character ever, has used the temporary power Padmé left him with before fleeing to Naboo to vote to give the Chancellor practically unlimited wartime powers, therefore making everything that happens in Episode III entirely his fault. Hahaha.
Oh, and Anakin and Padmé get married.
Following along okay?
In Episode III we can tell that Anakin is a Jedi now because of his long, flowing curls. The sulk has become a scowl and he is still bitching non-stop. This is somehow kind of attractive. He and Obi-Wan race to save the kidnapped Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine because they don’t know he’d set up his own kidnapping. They face off against Evil Count Dooku who lasts approximately nine seconds against a pissed off Anakin who channels the dark side and snicks off Dooku’s head with his own lightsaber at the urging of Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine. Then he feels really bad about it. There are more wacky hijinks involving Anakin carrying Obi-Wan around on his back making thousands of fangirls squee, then more lightsaber battles against Gratuitous Plot Droid General Grievous who is only a badass if you’ve seen the Clone Wars cartoon but this summary is ridiculously long already so you can just look that up in your spare time. Blah blah posturing blah blah destruction blah blah Grievous escapes blah giant ship’s gonna crash into Coruscant but we’re only five minutes into the movie so we know Anakin will save the day.
Which he does. He then reunites with his hugely pregnant wife Padmé behind a Pillar of Invisibility or Something because no one notices them making out in plain sight. Whatever. Padmé tells him the big news. Anakin tells her it’s wonderful. Since Jedi aren’t supposed to be married, and they are very definitely not supposed to have children, the news isn’t that wonderful. Anakin wants to tell the Council to bite him. Padmé says that since he’s the public face of all good things related to Jedi – who aren’t exactly hugely popular at the moment given the way the war has been dragging on --, that’s not the greatest plan she’s ever heard of. Anakin sulks.
Because the movie needed more woe and Hayden Christensen without his shirt on, Anakin has a vision of Padmé dying in childbirth. It, not surprisingly, freaks him the hell out. Padmé is not as worried, as women don’t die of childbirth on Coruscant in a society that has figured out space travel. Anakin doesn’t believe her and vows to stop this vision from coming true. Clearly this will bite him in the ass.
He goes to Yoda about his problem and is given the worst advice ever: let the person go. Holding onto people is greedy, he’s told. Anakin thinks this is bullshit. He is the most powerful Jedi ever, surely he can figure out a way to cheat death. But to do that, he needs to be made a Master and be given access to the secret Archives. The Jedi Council says “ahahahaha no.” Anakin sulks some more.
Meanwhile, the tensions between the Jedi Council and Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine are coming to a head. The Jedi had traced the Sith Lord to Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine’s inner circle, even though Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine continues to insist that the Sith are something that the Jedi have made up in order to wrestle power from him. Mace L. Windu isn’t buying that argument at all, especially given that Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine has used the war as an excuse to stay in office way past his term. Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine insists that the war won’t be over until General Grievous is caught. The Jedi Council says “deal omg” and puts all of its efforts into finding Grievous. Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine cackles because the Jedi are stupid.
Anakin goes to see his very good friend Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine to bitch about how the Council secretly hates him. Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine gives him all kinds of sympathy, then tells him that it is Anakin’s lucky day and he has just been made the Totally Evil Chancellor’s Special Envoy to the Council. Anakin is thrilled. The Council is less so, and tells Anakin that while he might sit on the Council, he has not been granted the rank of Master and PS they’d like him to spy on his old mentor. This pisses him the hell off.
Padmé is also not entirely excited about the changes she’s seeing in her husband and encourages him to talk to Obi-Wan about everything. Anakin blows her off, then races away to see Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine who hints that the Jedi might not know how to cheat death but a friend of a friend of his blah blah vague dark side-cakes might. Anakin is stupid and listens. Oh, and Palpatine’s contacts have told him where General Grievous is and if the Council doesn’t send Anakin it must be because they hate him. Anakin runs to tell the Council and they decide to send Obi-Wan—alone—to deal with Grievous. Well, with some Clonetroopers of plottiness. Anakin, as you might have guessed, is not at all happy. There is a touching goodbye scene that doesn’t make me sniffle every time, really, and Obi-Wan is off to Some Random Planet where he finds out that General Grievous is there and has four arms and all of them have lightsabers. There is a lightsaber duel and it is awesome.
But before the duel, Obi-Wan was a good Jedi and told the Council what he was doing and Mace L. Windu instructed Anakin to go tell Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine that Grievous was about to be smokin’ droid parts and his reign would end and how’d he like them apples? Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine then tells Anakin that he is the Sith Lord they’ve been looking for the past twenty years and what a shame it is because now he won’t tell Anakin how to save his wife. Anakin freaks the hell out and races off to tell the Council everything, and is told to wait in the Council chamber while justice is served. Anakin sits there and sad music plays as he realizes he’s just sentenced his wife to death.
He decides to disobey Mace L. Windu’s orders, to the surprise of no one who’s ever met him and runs over to the Chancellor’s office where Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine has gone all apeshit on the Jedi Masters who’d accompanied Mace L. Windu with the red lightsaber he’d hidden in his throne. When Anakin arrives there is Dark Side Force lightning up against the badass-itude of Mace L. Windu and they are both fighting on a strategically placed window ledge. Mace L. Windu declares that Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine is too dangerous to be left alive and Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine is whimpering for Anakin to save him and Anakin needs the information Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine says he has and doesn’t want justice to be meted out with a lightsaber and so when Mace L. Windu moves in for the final strike Anakin blocks him with his own lightsaber and Mace L. Windu falls out the window and dies and now you’ve done it, Anakin.
Then Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine gets up with his new scary face due to too much dark side channeling and tells Anakin to kneel and become a Lord of the Sith and everyone in the audience goes “WTF, George Lucas, WTF?!” Then he tells the newly christened Darth Vader to go kill everyone in the Temple and Anakin does it and everyone in the audience goes “WTF, Anakin, WTF?!” except for the part where they are crying as he mows down adorable little Younglings.
Meanwhile, Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine is contacting the clone commanders and initiating Order 66, which has programmed the clones to kill all the Jedi everywhere and it is horrifically depressing.
Padmé is out on her balcony as smoke rises from the Jedi Temple and she is in tears because she doesn’t know what’s happening but it has to be bad because things are on fire and Anakin’s over there and she thinks he’s dead instead of being the one who’s smiting everyone like a giant evil dumbass. He comes back and there is clinging and then he says he has to go on a special mission for Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine that will bring an end to the war. Namely go and kill the rest of the Separatist movement. He leaves and Padmé bawls. I can’t blame her.
Obi-Wan has remained miraculously unkilled, though Grievous is smoking droid parts as advertised. Obi-Wan sneaks past the Jedi-killin’ clones and makes his way back towards Coruscant only to run into Yoda (who was off-planet on Kashyyyk because fans think Wookiees are cool) and Bail Organa (who was hoping to pick up Jedi before they get killinated and so it’s not a complete surprise when he gets Leia at the end of the movie). There is a signal beam telling all the Jedi to return to the Temple but that’s so they can get killed so it needs to get turned off. Bail tells the Jedi that Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine told the Senate he was the victim of a Jedi assassination plot and the Senate, which has the collective intelligence of a kumquat, believed him. Then they elected him Emperor.
Obi-Wan and Yoda arrive in the Temple and realize that not all of the victims were killed by Clone trooper blasters. As Obi-Wan changes the signal, Yoda finds the incriminating piece of hologram footage showing Anakin becoming a Sith. Obi-Wan doesn’t puke all over the floor, but he looks pretty tempted. They decide to split up: Yoda will take down Totally Evil Chancellor Palpatine and Obi-Wan will have to kill his best friend. He is not happy with that option.
Being so much smarter than you, Obi-Wan goes to see Padmé to find out where Anakin has gone. She lies to him badly about not knowing, and Obi-Wan figures out that the baby is Anakin’s because he is not completely blind. Then he hides in Padmé’s ship when she goes off to find Anakin.
Anakin is on the strategically volcanic planet of Mustafar where he has killed all of the remaining members of the Separatist movement and now has glowing yellow eyes to show how evil he is. He is shocked to see Padmé arrive and tries to convince her that killing children was just part of his brilliant plan to save her. Oh, and also to rule the galaxy. Padmé, for once, thinks he’s batshit.
Then Obi-Wan exits the ship and throws off his cloak all dramatic-like and Anakin is pissed and tries to Force-choke his wife to death and man is Obi-Wan not okay with that. They circle each other and Obi-Wan’s all “I will stop you” and Anakin’s all “you will try” and then there is the single coolest lightsaber duel ever put on film. Ever. Oh, Yoda is also getting his ass kicked by Totally Evil Emperor Palpatine but that’s not as interesting.
So Anakin is doing his best to kill Obi-Wan and Obi-Wan is trying to stop that from happening and Anakin is finally closing in on Obi-Wan, but Obi-Wan has the high ground and is all “don’t do it” and Anakin’s all “raaaa!” and then Obi-Wan cuts off his best friend’s arms and legs. And Anakin is limbless and smoking as the lava climbs up his body and it is so, so disturbing. Obi-Wan is in tears and gives the single saddest speech ever and if you’re not crying I don’t want to know you and then Obi-Wan takes Anakin's lightsaber, leaves Anakin’s ass there for the Emperor to pick up and goes to deal with Padmé.
So Padmé’s Force-choking had put her into premature labor or something and so she’s screaming out in pain in one medclinic giving birth to twins and Anakin is screaming out in pain in another medclinic being stuck into his iconic suit. Then Padmé dies of woe, or plot convenience or something and it puts all the SW fans into frothy rage. And Luke goes with Obi-Wan and Leia goes with Bail and we end the movie with Vader looking out at a Death Star being built and wow is this galaxy in trouble.
…and this is why I should never agree to summarize a fandom again. Or you could just go and watched the Reduced Shakespeare Company perform the prequels and get basically the same deal.
So those were the prequels, which came second, based off of the original trilogy, which I’m getting to now.
Even more cast of characters:
Okay, you remember Yoda, Obi-Wan Kenobi (now going by Ben and cultivating quite the reputation as an insane desert hermit), Artoo and Threepio, Totally Evil Emperor Palpatine and Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader. We have a couple more big characters to introduce. And if you ask me question about Wedge or Porkins or That Gamorrean Guard Third From the Right I will cut you.
Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill): Typical blond-haired bumpkin dreaming of life beyond being a farmer on a desert planet (Tatooine, naturally) trying to pull water out of the sky. You really can’t blame him. One hell of a pilot, he whines like it’s his job. He’s also the only hope of the now-exterminated Jedi Order. But he doesn’t know that.
Leia Organa (Carrie Fisher): Princess from Alderaan. Imperial Senator. Totally, totally awesome. Got most of the cool Skywalker-Naberrie genes and left the unflattering ones for her brother. Who she doesn’t know about for a while, but details. An entire male generation’s obsession with gold bikinis can be traced directly to her.
Han Solo (Harrison Ford): Smuggler, scoundrel, gambler with a heart of gold from Corellia. He was hired by Obi-Wan to take him and Luke to Alderaan and stuck around with the Rebels for
Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew): Wookiee co-pilot for Han. He speaks in yells and grunts, is seven feet tall and will jack your ass up if you piss him off.
Jabba the Hutt: Enormous slug who also happens to be a gangster. Enjoys eating live bugs, watching dancing girls and trying to collect the money Han owes him.
Lando Calrissian (Billy Dee Williams): Old friend/rival of Han’s. He owns a conveniently located gas mine at a plot-important time. He and Han have a long–standing debate over who owes who for the Millennium Falcon, the fastest hunk-of-junk in the galaxy.
The world’s fastest summaries of the original trilogy
Even if you’ve never seen the movies, they are so engrained into pop culture that you probably felt like you have. Ever called anyone a “scruffy-looking nerf-herder?” Had “a bad feeling about this?” Told someone “there is no try?”
Okay, maybe that’s just me.
In Episode IV, Princess Leia’s ship is zipping past Tatooine on its way home to Alderaan when it is intercepted by Darth Vader, who knows Leia has the schematics to the Death Star. She gets captured, but two droids (Artoo and Threepio), launch themselves into an escape pod and get bought by Luke’s crabby uncle. Artoo is looking for Obi-Wan, the crazy desert hermit to give him the plans Leia uploaded into his little droid-y self. Luke chases the droid down and Obi-Wan drags him (and the droids) along on a damned fool idealistic crusade, a decision made a lot easier when Luke discovers his aunt and uncle are totally dead now, thanks to the Empire.
So Luke, Obi-Wan and the droids head into Mos Eisley, the most wretched hive of scum and villain and hire Han, Chewbacca and the Millennium Falcon to take them to Alderaan to return the files. Also, Han totally shot first. I DON'T CARE WHAT THE REMAKES SAY.
Alderaan, though, is toast because Darth Vader and Grand Moff Tarkin blew it up to make Leia talk. It didn't work, so they throw her back into her cell to execute her.
Fortunately for our story, the Death Star hasn't moved out of the system holding the rubble formally known as Alderaan when Our Heroes arrive. There are wacky hijinks and blah blah prisoner impersonation blah blah trashcompactor blah blah Jedi? I see no Jedi and the tractor beam is down and everyone's ready to escape except then Darth Vader comes around the corner and he and Obi-Wan have a lightsaber battle that was rockin' for its time but now just looks kind of slow. And to prove again that Vader is not to be messed with, he kills Obi-Wan. He's still a bit bitter about Episode III, you see.
So Luke freaks out and shoots at things, but he finally gets onto the ship and they head out for the Not So Secret Rebel Outpost on Yavin. The Empire, of course, has put a tractor beam on their ship and is following along to blow them all up, mwahaha. But there wouldn't be two other movies if that happened, so of course Luke saves the day by shooting a laser down a convenient hole in the Death Star that blows the whole thing up. It helps that Han shows up at the last minute to stop Vader from killing Luke. Vader, of course, survives because it wouldn't be much fun without him, would it?
And there is much rejoicing.
In Episode V, we begin with much less rejoicing because everyone is stuck on Hoth which is a planet that is cold as crap, yo. And Luke is out in the cold checking for the Empire but he gets attacked by a totally realistic-looking polar bear thing and gets dragged off to a cave. As he is the hero, that's bad. He hangs upside-down and learns to use the Force because all of the blood is rushing to his head and mind-moves his lightsaber over to his hand and whomps off the thing's arm off and then runs out into the cold to die because he's a Skywalker and they're not so big on planning. Not-as-dead-as-we-thought!Obi-Wan shows up in his blue ghosty glory to tell Luke to go learn from Yoda. Then Luke passes out.
Fortunately Han has one more savin' Luke's ass in him (not dirty. Probably. Depending on who's fanfic you're reading), and goes out into the cold to find his friend before he plans to run away instead of paying off the money he owes Jabba the Hutt. This will be important later. Of course, they survive, just in time for the Empire to discover their secret location.
Han and Leia go one way, Luke goes another. Han and Leia have wacky hijinks because the Millennium Falcon is a piece of crap with personality and its hyperdrive doesn't work. Luke goes to Dagobah to meet Yoda, thinks he's going to be some six-foot badass of a warrior. You know, Qui-Gon. He meets a three foot Muppet who takes great joy in messing with him.
Meanwhile Darth Vader is not pleased that the Rebels got away and makes this known by killing most of the captains in charge of capturing them. Then we find out that the Emperor has plans for Luke. The plot, it does thicken.
Leia and Han make it to Bespin, a gas mining planet owned by Han's scoundrel friend Lando. But oh noes! Vader has gotten there first and captures them and tortures them to use them as bait to bring Luke out of hiding. Oh, and he drops Han into carbonite just to see if it'll work. Also because he's evil.
And it totally works, despite Yoda and Blue!Ghosty!Obi-Wan telling him to think before running off. Luke races off and Obi-Wan sighs "that boy is our last hope," and Yoda reminds him that "no, there is another" which Obi-Wan should know but George Lucas has never met Our Good Friend Continuity so we're moving on.
Luke goes to Bespin and tracks down Darth Vader which isn't hard because it's trap, and they have a lightsaber duel. And Luke, since he's only had about three seconds of training is getting his butt kicked and Vader is throwing things at him and cuts of his hand and then tells Luke he's his father because Anakin Skywalker has the worst timing ever.
And Luke screams "NOOOOOOOO" as you would and jumps down a giant hole, as you should, and then gets rescued by Leia because dying that stupidly would suck.
Which brings us to Episode VI, which naturally begins with the rescue of Carbonite!Han on Tatooine from Jabba the Hutt. There is bikini wearing and Sarlaac pitting and general zaniness and Luke goes to Dagobah and Han and Leia go to meet up with the rest of the fleet. Yoda dies, woe, but not before confirming that Vader is really Luke's father and leaving a cryptic message about there being another Skywalker. Luke is not happy to have to kill him now and asks ghosty blue Obi-Wan if there's another way out. Obi-Wan mentions the whole sister thing.
Luke is crabby, then meets up with the rest of the cast to discover there's another Death Star and that the Emperor will be on board for prime killing him opportunity. No one thinks this might be a trap. Then there's speeder-bike chases and Han on a spit and "Vader's my father" and "don't go!" and "you've failed, your Highness" and you've really never seen this movie? What's wrong with you?
Vader, of course, saves his son before he becomes crispy fried and dead Luke and then he dies and sad music plays and the Rebels win, yay!
Just watch the Reduced Shakespeare Version if your head's spinning.
But what about the Extended Universe?
You're trying to kill me, aren't you?
There are hundreds of storylines ranging across approximately 12,000 years of history. I wish I were kidding.
They range from the extremely good (Rogue and Wraith Squadron books, the original Thrawn trilogy), to storylines I find harder to swallow (Leia would name a son Anakin? Really?) to parts I absolutely refuse to believe (Chewbacca being killed by a falling moon, Luke falling in love with a the ghost of a Jedi trapped in a computer). The banthabell I totally made up, but if it's canon that a group of aliens worship a magic 8 ball, by God I can bring the crack, too.
I must know more!
The original versions of the original trilogy are out on DVD, as are the special editions with boosted up special effects and controversial changes to some storylines. The prequels are also available.
Seriously, ya'll. Star Wars. You can find it if you try :)
Questions? Comments? Cracks about my complete lack of sanity?
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"Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope!"
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This was seriously awesome and a terrific read! :)
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*is firm*
:D
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See? Better! :D
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Also, I think you are trying to kill me with laughter.
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No. No, they still killed him with a moon.
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And now I feel I must go watch Episode VI because it is my favorite of the trilogy. Hee!!
*is sad and totally does not believe the whole shtick about Chewie being killed by a moon!! is in denial, omg!*
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The originals were made much richer by the prequels, IMO.
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I totally agree, 100%!
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Okay I think I'm glad I stopped reading the books before we got Wookiee death by moon because really...
Great summation. *pets my first fandom*
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They felt that the franchise had lost some of the danger because no one big ever died--they just got kidnapped. A lot.--and wanted to change that.
But death by moon was a bit strange.
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And Alan Dean Foster probably wanted to bitchslap Lucas after writing squishy Luke-Leia scenes and then finding out they were brother and sister.
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Yeah, Splinter turned totally squick in 1981. Poor author :)
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(You also get to see him meet a guy who goes "I know you! You do gay porn, right!")
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HEY. He's somehow developed a neck recently despite not even having one in 1976 or so.
I love you so much for this whole thing, and I can't stop giggling.
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2. Art of the Saber (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acjvjSw430U) A totally awesome star wars fan film.
3. I'm sure there was a third thing I was gonna say but I don't remember what it was. But either way, this spotlight is pure win.
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